A heavy heart, a mind wrought with thoughts, and trying to dwell on what I know (that God is good).
Lately my heart has been heavy and my mind has been wrought with thinking. Maybe too much thinking.
Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt when you didn’t get it? Of course you have. You’re a human being, with hopes and desires and passions. I am sitting at Portland Brew coffeehouse off of 12th avenue south, one of my favorite spots in Nashville to snag a cup of iced coffee, to read, and to get lost in music.
“He is God. He is good. He is Jesus.”
These words resonate in my ears as I listen to the knoxville-based “United Pursuit Band,” one of my favorite worship band groups. I know this truth that God is God and that He is good. I’ve heard it all my life.
I am trying to see the goodness in my recent disappointment and heartache. A few months ago I applied for a pretty prestigious, exciting, fun internship with Young Life, I had my heart set on it, and I clung to the glimpse that some direction and purpose in my life were within grasp. I had high hopes that I would be accepted to the internship. I spent hours filling out an application, I asked for recommendations from some mentors of mine, and I had two long phone interviews (recently) where I was asked questions about myself and where I am in life. And in short, I didn’t get accepted. Emotions of hurt and disappointment filled me. We all know this feeling to some extent. I tried to understand why I was so upset though. I tried to dig down to the root of my mind’s disposition. I think it comes down to the fact that yet another hint of knowing and having an idea of where I might be going in life, was wiped completely away from my path. I’ve been out of college for almost 2 years and I’m still struggling with my wants and desires, and what I want out of life. Every day I feel like i’m grasping at trying to simply know what I like and want to do. Maybe it’s a common trend for people my age to be scouring for direction and clarity.
It says in 1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT): Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
These lives we live are often unclear and uncertain in many ways and I believe God wants it that way. We were made to be in relationship with Him and to cling to Him day by day, and hour by hour. He wants us searching, and pursuing Him with all our might and with all our soul. We won’t always know reasons, and I think we have to some times be okay with that. That’s faith.
The band Needtobreathe might be one of my favorites bands. Ever. Their songs bring me back to my summers in East Tennessee, driving around with my best friends, having the windows rolled down, and the warm air crashing against my face. A line in one of their recent songs says “Life is but a vision in a window that we’re peeking through,” and I think they’re right. I really do. We are getting a small peek of what is to come and there is tons of mystery in every moment.
There are countless times for us to dwell on uncertainties in life. That is where faith and trust comes in for me. Do I wholeheartedly trust God? And what do I know and believe? I believe that God is good, that He knows me wholly, and I know He loves me with the most unconditional love.
So here’s a blogpost dedicated to the constant battle of choosing whether to dwell on things we don’t know or choosing to dwell on things we do know. Chasing after God isn’t easy. It’s risky and unclear. But the best things in life are worth the risk and they require long lasting leaps of faith.