My head is crammed full with thoughts to the point of explosion and then when I need them most, the seas lay calm and the wind ceases and the ship of inspiration stays still. The agony lies in being perpetually pregnant with thoughts, and never feeling ready to birth them into something tangible. Thoughts and ideas should be birthed into the world for it is better to have something then the idea of something, even if in its making the idea falls short.
I am learning that my ideas do fall short when they are birthed into the world either by speech or print. Just like when a child is born and all the hopes and ideas the parents had for him/her fell away being replaced by a reality that may not have been what they envisioned. This does not mean that children are disappointments but it means because the idea took on flesh and bone and will and purpose, it cannot remain as it was in conception–it should not. The idea of a son or a daughter is something magnificent. It is perfect. It is not diluted down. An idea is exactly what you want it to be. That is why I like ideas. In the world of ideas, I get to live up there and be whatever I want to be. I can dream up and make up this perfect life of mine. I can be unrealistic. I can place expectations without fear of being disappointed.
Then I take a step forward and time moves on and the ideas that I had built for myself meet reality for the first time and the whole world that I had built for myself comes smashing down and I am filled with anxiety, frustration and self-loathing. I find myself living in the matrix of my own mind only to be woken up by the reality of Morpheus. The question is every day do you want to get back in the machine? Will you take the red pill or the blue pill?
On Friday, the anxiety that so often exists in the back of my mind due to living with the divide between a mind rooted in ideas and a body planted firmly in reality came to a head. I had what I can only describe as an intense, very brief panic or anxiety attack that took my breath away and caused me to think that I was having a heart attack. It was frightening and exhausting and made me sick. I was so shaken by it that I ended up going to the ER just to make sure that I didn’t actually have a real heart attack. Even writing it down seems so silly and so ridiculous but…
I had never felt like that before and it startled me.
It was also a wake up call. I can’t live in my head any more. I need to be firmly planted in reality. I am just a man… and a very flawed one at that. All of my hopes and dreams for myself will ultimately fail. I need to say that. All of the hopes and dreams that I have for my life and for me and who I will become will ultimately fail because they live in the false reality of ideas. The stresses on my life seem miniscule, but then I realize they are not. I go through a lot. I deal with a lot. I am not self sufficient and I shouldn’t treat myself as if I am. I shouldn’t see myself as only someone who has something to give. I need to receive.
I need to receive because I am limited and I don’t have all that there is to have. In the world of ideas, we don’t think we need because we have everything… and what we don’t have, we can just make up.
But I can’t live like that anymore because life needs the chance to live out in actuality.